Tuesday, June 8, 2010


I have trust issues. I have for some time now, and I've worked really, really hard over the past 20 years to let them go. Even though I've known that God loves me, I've had a problem believing that He wanted what was best for me or that He cared enough to care about what was happening to me and in my life.

Steve and I have had to trust God through a lot of hard times. We've had things go awry that we just couldn't fix on our own, but we've always trusted Him to come through for us. There have been times when we have jumped ahead of God, of course, thinking we knew the right way and we've had to be like Jonah and walk the 2500 miles back to Nineveh. But through everything we've never really had to worry (easier said than done) because God has always walked with us.

There are two things in my life that have been the hardest for me to let go of and trust that God would just take care of. The first was money. That was a biggie for me because even though I knew that I needed to let Steve handle it, I just couldn't seem to give it up. Now that I allow him to just do what needs to be done, I don't even worry about it anymore. I KNOW this is a God thing because I have always been a control-freak!

The second has always been my health. Now, I am a healthy person. I never really get sick with the exception of a cold every now and then, but Satan is constantly planting seeds in my mind about weird things that could be wrong or go wrong. I know that is completely irrational, but if you've ever allowed the devil to play tricks on you, you understand my frustration with myself that I worry about this. I've done so much better on this front as well over the last 5 years or so.

I've said all of that to say this. While Steve was preaching on Sunday, I felt the Lord began to speak to me and ask me if I truly trusted him with this blood issue. I told Him I did, but then I remembered my mini-meltdown on Saturday night. (as Steve said, better than a major one!) So
I had to search my heart to see if I really thought God could take care of this. Once I really gave it over to Him, the worry went away. I don't have anxiety about it anymore. Whatever the problem, we'll just deal with it together. I hope that it's nothing, but I know that if it is indeed something, that my God is big enough to handle it.

So, today, I choose to TRUST. The Bible says to Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. That's what I am going to do. Yes, it's freaky that the dr. I am going to see is in the oncology department. Yes, it's freaky to be told that something is wrong and you will have to undergo tests to see what it is. All of that freaks me out more than I can convey here, but I still contend that this is a test.....just like so many in the Bible were tested.....I want to be found worthy and faithful.

So, for those of you praying people out there, please pray specifically for the following:
1. Pray for Dr. Baldwin that he will be able to discern what the issue is.
2. Pray that when the next levels are run, they will be normal and we can chalk this up to an anomaly.
3. Pray that I will stay strong and not allow Satan to take control of my emotions.

My original appointment with Dr. Baldwin is being rescheduled because it fell on one of the days that we will be in Orlando for the SBC. I'll keep you posted as to when the new appointment is so that you can be praying specifically on that day as well.

1 comment:

  1. You know my prayers are with you, as one control freak to another, you know who loves you best and will take care of you.