expectations

What is the expectation of a pastor's wife? Is it to be perfect? Is it to have everything in order all of the time? Is it that she must do everything at the church that nobody else wants to do? I really don't know! You'd think that having been in several churches over the course of my lifetime, I'd have some sense of what people expect me to be. I don't. I am as lost as last year's Easter egg on this one!

I think for me the problem is not what the church perceives me to be, but what I expect myself to be, and even that is getting muddier as the days go on. Sometimes, I feel like a basketball bouncing around the court without the prospect of LeBron James happening by to pick me up and give me some direction. I forget that God is standing at the ready to help me out. Stupid. I. Know.

I'm kind of dealing with something right now that leaves me befuddled. I don't know to do. I'm floundering. I know God wants something of me, but I don't know what that something is. I'm ready, or........maybe I'm not......don't you love how I have these epiphanies while I am typing and just throw them in for everyone to experience :o) In my mind, I am ready.....maybe my heart, not so much. There have been many times when I have cried out asking for a skywriter to just fly past where I'm standing, with a message. Is that too much to ask? I guess so, because I've never gotten one.

I was thinking about this today, and the simple verse: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 A verse that we are all familiar with. This did bring some comfort, knowing that maybe He just isn't ready to reveal the plan to me. Whatever. I don't know what the future will hold, but I know if I wait on Him, it will be amazing.

But, back to the expectations. I'm working on those. I expect for myself, and what I think God expects of me is to love in the only way I know how.......BIG. I love big. I like to give gifts, and share what I believe, and hug you, and pray for you, and send you a card, and on and on......anything that I believe may bring a smile to your face. I like planning and organizing. Do I come on too strong? Probably! Sorry!! But make no mistake, I'm gonna love you even when I'm aggravated, or tired, or sick, or sick and tired. I want to make you happy, but if I can't, I'm not going to worry about it. I can't. I have a life to live and kids to raise, and a husband to support, and myself to keep sane. I like who I am, and I'm not gonna change to suit anyone except the ONLY one who matters most to me......................and you know who that is.............God.